CONTROL

Anyone who knows me knows that I like to be in control.  I don't trust anyone else to do it right, so I don't delegate.  Even if whatever it is is done right, if it's not the way I would do it, then I don't like it and I feel compelled to take it back.

Also, if something is broken, I want it fixed.  I'm not talking just about mechanical things.  I want to fix situations. I want solutions.

That's not all though.  I don't like uncertainty.  I want to script a meeting before the meeting and have a response for any question I think might be asked.  This goes beyond preparation.  I need to know what to worry about.  Tell me the worst-case situation.  Is there a blow-up I can divert?  I suppose this is just more control.  I want to be in control.  And I want to fix a blow-up before it happens.  My therapist tells me I can't always be in control.  Ha!

Parkinson's Disease has the two things that I don't like: it's something I cannot fix and it's something I cannot control. 

There is no cure for Parkinson's.  Researchers know it's a shortage of dopamine in the brain so that the part of the brain that controls movement is adversely affected.  Scientists have developed drugs that can mitigate many of the symptoms.  But those medicines don't always work and may eventually wear out.   There's no fix.

I cannot control how my Parkinson's will affect me.  When I first was diagnosed, I did what any lawyer does: I researched Parkinson's.  And I learned:

•   No one knows what causes it.

• There are 5 stages of Parkinson's that promise some or all of things like drooling, constipation, falling, shaking, dementia, inability to swallow, slow movement and speech, a "frozen" facial expression, micrographia, shuffling gait, rigidity of muscles, which may feel like anything from uncomfortable to painful, postural instability, and the possibility of needing to depend 100% on someone else.
  
• No one can tell me how fast or even if I will progress though the 5 stages of this degenerative disease.  It could happen quickly.  It could happen slowly.  It could be a mix.  I am the way I am today, but a month from now, I might be different or I might not. I just don't know.  It's uncertain.

My conclusion: Parkinson's is something I cannot control and it's something I cannot fix.  Initially, I decided I would just have to wait and see.  Maybe the neurologist is wrong.  Maybe I don't have PD.  After all, I had some symptoms, but they weren't bad.  A tremor here.  An occasional fall on steps there. Maybe they were just a coincidence.  Denial worked.......for a while.

Now, a health professional says he believes I have the onset of dementia from Parkinson's.  He's only one health professional and I've seen him only one time; but, because he did testing and he's talking about my intelligence, he's hitting way too close to home.  My other health pros that have seen this professional's report do not seem to be concerned about it, which upsets me a little.   I can't just dismiss what he said because it explains some of the things I'm experiencing: forgetfulness, difficulty in understanding complicated material after just one reading, searching for words (i.e., thinking "mitigate" looking for "mediate").    Yesterday, I wanted to say cremate and all I could muster was incinerate.  That happens at least once a day.  I can't fix it.  I can't control it. And, I just can't stand it.

Now, I'm afraid of not having control.  I'm scared of not having a sharp mind.  I treasure being able to deliver a snide comeback when it's necessary.  Now, I picture myself sitting in a chair and staring into space or saying things that make no sense or not processing at all what I hear.  What if I don't know my kids?  What if I get that way before my parents do?

I don't have to be this way.  More on that next time...