I HAVE PARKINSON'S

I have Parkinson's Disease.  No, really.  I have Parkinson's Disease. My neurologist  diagnosed me in August 2008.  Today, I heard what he said.

He told me I had Parkinson's Disease.  Now, I'm not going to say I didn't believe him because I did believe him.  It's just that I already was so sick with depression, I just didn't see where it was a factor in my daily life.  So I just went right along, ignoring it and thinking that it wasn't so bad.  

Since 2008, I have admitted I have Parkinson's.  I've accepted the tremors.  I've accepted my sometimes unsteady gait.  I've accepted I need a handrail when others do not.  But what I haven't had until recently is buy-in.

All of the things I felt before are still true.  I have Parkinson's and it's inconvenient now.  It  promises nothing but for an uncertain future.  It's made me depressed.  It's made me angry.  But now, I  guess what I'm feeling - well, actually more like doing - is mourning.  I'm mourning the loss of my dopamine.  I know.  It sounds stupid.  It sounds disrespectful and I don't mean any disrespect.  I'm mourning because I'm sad - sad about what I've lost.  That's different from what I have.

But, here's what else I know - I know it's OK to be sad - to be in mourning.  Sad will pass.