I'M AFRAID

I'm a reader.  If there is something I want to know, I research it and read about it.  So, you might imagine when I was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease in 2008, I started to research it.  What caused it?  What can I do about it?  What can I expect from it?  How is it treated?  How will it impact my life?  When will it impact my life?

When will it impact my life? "Now" is the answer, but it's also a really the big unknown.  Parkinson's is divided into 5 stages.  I can't even tell you what stage I'm experiencing right now.  I suspect it's like every other thing I know about Parkinson's.  Nothing is the same for everyone.  Each person progresses at his or her own rate.  Some may suffer from dementia and some may not.  Each will have a different level of muscle stiffness.  Some may never experience swallowing difficulty.  Others may have swallowing problems early, but never deal with many tremors.  Other may experience tremors no matter how much carbidopa/levodopa they take.  

Even the medicine, itself, poses uncertainty.  Here's what WebMD says, in part, about Levodopa:

                 Levodopa does not slow the disease process, but it improves muscle movement  and delays severe disability. . . . levodopa allows people with Parkinson's . . . to stay independent and able to function for longer periods of time. But the majority of people taking levodopa develop [movement] complications caused by long-term levodopa therapy within 5 to 10 years.

So here's what I really want to know. The information I read is peppered with words like "disability" and "independent."  When is someone else going to have to help me do things?  I tremor, but not much.  I have a strange swallowing thing going on, but not such that it affects me in any way.  But, gosh, I ache.  I ache all the time.  I don't know if it's Parkinson's or being 54 years old.  I know it sucks.

I'm afraid that if I don't start doing those things I'm supposed to do, I'm going to need the assistance sooner rather than later.  I get that.  That's why I'm afraid.  But I'm so tired and so achy, I don't have the gumption to get up and do it.  I wish I had a Parkinson's Coach: a person who will come to my house and wake me up in the morning at a healthy time and push me through my day.  Exercise with me, fix meals with me (not for me - with me), and then push me to go to bed.  Oh, and help me clean my bedroom, so I'm more inclined to go in there and go to bed.  If it goes right, it won't be a full-time job.

I suppose a Parkinson's coach isn't very practical.  So, I don't know what I will do.  I'll talk to Bob.  I'll figure something out.  I'll let you know.

If you come up with an idea, let me know.

G

 

         

TALK THE TALK? THEN WALK THE WALK

Excuse me while I pull my foot out of my mouth and wipe the egg off of my face.  To anyone who read the post wherein I quoted Yoda saying there was do and do not, but no try - I'm sorry.

Why?  Well, Tuesday,  I went to see Bob - you remember Bob.  He's my therapist.  I was telling him about how I just haven't felt like doing anything of late.  I don't want to open emails for fear there will be someone that wants me to do something.  Same thing for the phone.  I don't want to answer it and I don't want to listen to the voice mail.  I also don't want to go anywhere.  I'm in a state of "just leave me alone.  Please.  Don't talk to me."   It's depression.  My psychiatrist even told me that avoiding mail and email was one of the early signs of sliding back into a depression.

Further along in our conversation, Bob, as he always does, asked about this blog, so I was telling him about Herman Cain and how I observed that Mr. Cain must have simply decided that he was going to defeat cancer.  It was stage IV - it took will.  Of course, as soon as I started down this road, Bob smiled, and I knew why.  I grinned at him and said I needed to shut up.  But no.  Advantage: Bob.  He said, "No. No.  Pretend you're Herman Cain.  What do you think you can resolutely decide to do that would help your depression?"  Of course, the answer to that question is, good sleep hygiene, good eating habits, and, of course, exercise.  "So," he asked, "can you do those things?"  "Well," I said, "I......."  I was going to say I could try.  Bob grinned because he knew that.   He knew he had nailed me.  I had to say "yes" or "no."  I was completely stuck in my own pontificating.  I wanted to say that I could try, but I couldn't say that.  I certainly didn't want to commit, but I didn't want to say I wouldn't do them.

Bob came to my rescue - bless his heart.  He asked me which of the 3 would be the most difficult (exercise) and then which of the remaining 2 would be easier (diet).  His solution - don't start all 3 at once.  Start with one meal and make it healthy and go from there.  Bob gave me permission to try.  He also told me Yoda's no-try attitude wasn't appropriate in every situation.

So, there you are.  I didn't have the right to suggest that we with Parkinson's must "do or do not" because when it came right down to it, I shouldn't have been talking the talk when I wasn't willing to say that I would even TRY to walk the walk.  I do believe that a positive attitude will make doing the things we need to do to address our Parkinson's go easier.  But we don't have to be supermen and superwomen.  Our situation, while difficult for us, is not an immediate life-or-death situation like Herman Cain's situation.  We can take baby steps.

Last night I had a spinach salad for dinner.  It was healthy and tasted wonderful.  It's high on the list of brain foods.  I also had more buttered bread than the law allows.  The bread had no redeeming attributes other than it tasted good.  Technically, I ate well.  Technically, I did not eat well.  But I tried!

THE OTHER SHOE FINALLY DROPPED

Well, today it happened.  The article I wrote for the Kentucky Bench and Bar about my bipolar depression finally hit attorneys' "In" boxes.  I've received a few comments already, all of which were positive.  So I've done it.  I've revealed to every lawyer in Kentucky - from Pikeville to Paducah - that I have a mental illness.  I'll let you know how it goes.  In the meantime, I've posted a link to my article on this blog.  It's right under the title for links.

Here's to you!

G